light phone drama

Me using the light phone should be the ad for the iPhone.

GASP. It’s me again doing things on impulse to make a point. And I get it now…the point/the iPhone.

Back to the regular programming we go.

The LP (light phone) in action - during one of my busiest weekends as a midwife - did not prove faithful.

I knew what I was getting in terms of minimalism with the LP. I was sold. And I questioned the functionality with bright-eyed optimism. A little TBD never discourages me.

LOL.

2+ weeks in. Texting anything more than a “K.” sends me into tears.

The functionality is jurassic. The screen is not sensitive/over sensitive. It’s constantly glitching/freezing/going dark/loading. Can’t receive calls during calls. The letters A and S don’t work! Have to reboot it multiple times a day to remind it that it’s a phone and *I’m not finished typing my reply*.

Being human, I figured it must be broken. I contacted tech and they said it’s a part of the design. Specifically —

“The Light Phone II is not meant to be used 24/7 and must have periods of intermittent non-use to work most efficiently. Try turning it off when you sleep to get the most out of your device when you’re awake.”

(This reminds me of the time I was in a quantum physics course and the instructor was rambling about nnEMF and airplane mode saving lives. I asked for alternatives because “I have to have signal for birthing women.” His jackass reply — “Stop being a midwife.”)

No can do.

Also, I miss picture messages of my baby when I’m not with her (LP forwards them to email), and being a blue bubble instead of green bubble to my beloved receivers.

Catch me at the Best Buy asking for my iPhone back and returning the 30+ things said iPhone had built into it.

One and done.

I wish Apple could have drone camera’d me using this phone for 2 weeks. Or just 2 minutes on i285 text-coaching (without the letters A and S) a dad whose about to catch a baby while I’m in route. Ya. No. Facetime to the rescue and 1 billion iPhones sold. You’re welcome.

I will miss it though. Something in me gets off to the whole scenario of trying to go tech-less in a tech world.

Now, I’ve forced my husband to change my appleID password so I can’t download apps to my devices. Including Safari, my drug of choice when I don’t have IG reels. Literally, give me a browser - I’ll have something as non-necessary as a Pyzel surf board in the shopping cart of a background tab in 3 minutes tops. How did it get there? Does anyone really know? I swear to god, the buttons press themselves with an iPhone. Just *think* of something and it ends up in a shopping cart.

Purchasing from the cart doesn’t work like that. I’ve eaten steak weekly for the last 4 years and still don’t own a single $11.99 steak knife.

Anyways, I don’t need to know what Jlo and Benny wore to the Golden Globes After Party. And if I wanna know bad enough, I’ll look it up on my computer like the good ole days.

Ok. I’m done. I’m here. I’m connected. And despite my current delayed life stage of angsty-teenage-rebellion, I’m not going anywhere.

Yet.

XX